Poetry From The Spam Filter: Thirteen

spam

Another entry in my ongoing series of taking the complete, unedited text from an email caught in my WordPress spam filter, and formatting its gibberish into poetry (one email equals one poem — I do not combine them in anyway). Except for formatting the email to look like a poem, I make no changes to text, spelling, content, etc.

Strangely, they seem to make sense when you read them as a poem.  And, as a public service, I offer a reading of the poem as well:

 

Thirteen

Digital marketing was marketing,
you’d never dream of
are found primarily in stocks.

Bear in mind, rather than oils,
avocadoes and tomatoes that are
taking place.
Undigested food rots
inside the bean is a healthy food toxicity.
Processing removes healthy food essential nutrients.
It s Thursday afternoon, they said;
prevention is better then!
All that downtime takes a lot of people
have an amazing ability to help your child eats
all of us do not eat
adequate amounts of foods they eat.

coco.jpg.728x520_q85

Things That Make Me Laugh #18

After the serious thoughts of the previous post, I thought some laughter was in order. And, the fabulous Miss Coco Peru always, always makes me laugh. In fact, watching Miss Coco play Grand Theft Auto 5 made me laugh until I had tears in my eyes.

Hopefully she’ll work her magic on you and give you a few minutes of laughter.

20140103-review

Some Things Stay The Same

Earlier this evening, I was looking through some old file folders trying to find a particular piece of paper.

Going through old files can be interesting, when one stumbles upon something that one forgot about. Like two old performance reviews from my last job.

Now, I will admit that when I started this particular job, it was very much outside of my skill set/comfort zone. I took the job because it was a chance to work at the same place as Julian, because it was a fairly new company when I started and there were growth opportunities, and, quite frankly, because the job paid about eight-thousand dollars more per year than the job I was then currently working at.

The first review was for a six month period (the second six months I worked there). If I got a review for my first six months, I don’t have it. But, the second sixth month period dealt with my work in a position that was different than the one I was hired for.

It was a reasonably good review, though in the area of communication, on a scale of 1-5 (five being the best), I received a 2.

I can hear you gasping from here.

Yes. I received poor marks in communication. But, not for the reason you might think.

I wasn’t poor at communicating. Rather, it was because I communicated too much.

Now, I know all of you who’ve followed me for any length of time know that I can certainly write a long, rambling blog post. Sure, it may be well written, even though it’s long. Apparently, in an office environment (I came from a primarily retail/customer service background, so an office setting was a very new thing for me), long, rambling emails are not as well received as long, rambling blog posts. Creativity in an email is frowned upon in an office environment.

I received a 2 on my communication skills, with a comment to “tighten and condense my emails.”

This particular rating came as no surprise as I had really freaked out my supervisors when I wrote a long, rambling email and, in a burst of creative energy used an analogy about a haircut — something along the lines of “It’s like when you go get your hair done in a new style. The hairstylist cuts and styles your hair, and, when you leave the salon, your hair looks perfect, but, once you’re on your own, at home, you can never get your hair to look the same way again.” (That was the short version of the analogy. My recollection is that the analogy was much longer, much more involved, and written with much more flourish.)

I’m fairly certain that one particular supervisor has a permanent scar on his psyche from my long, rambling analogy about the hairdo. Sure, it still gets brought up from time to time, and laughed about, but, I think he still gets a little bug-eyed when he thinks about it too much.

So, with regret, I put away the analogy, and became quite good at short, sweet, to the point emails. It was a good learning experience though. Fortunately, on my blog, I can tell long, rambling hairdo stories any time I so chose. However, if the day comes when I’m back in an office setting, I may have to be reminded to “tighten and condense” again.

The second review, which was for my third six month period, I received a 4.5 on my written communication skills.

I did, however, get another low rating — a 3 rating. This time it was for the following review question: “Is the Leader impartial when faced with emotional situations?”

Sadly, my  emotional behavior was a bit unprofessional. According to my review, “At times of high stress, John tends to let his emotions dictate his professional demeaner” (sic). Translation: John can be a fucking basket case sometimes. This was not a surprise to me because John has always let his emotions dictate his demeanor, for as long as he can remember. And, because you’re all my friends, and I feel I can be honest with you, John is still a fucking basket case sometimes (and, sometimes John is a fucking basket case more than “sometimes”, he’s a fucking basket case “frequently”).

The review also references, as an example, a particularly unprofessional emotional meltdown, when I stood in the middle of the office, and had a very loud meltdown, referring to a fellow employee as a “fucking witch.”

(As an aside: John has, more than once in his life, called someone a “fucking witch”. In the grand scheme of John’s life, “fucking witch” is actually a rather mild insult. John still has meltdowns and uses foul language. Some things stay the same.)

Now, here’s a chance to see if you’re paying attention to the tale, and to see if you can figure out why I’m amused by the two reviews.

Think about it. It might not jump right out at you.

I’ll give you a minute to think about it ….

Did you figure it out?

Well, in case it’s a bit obscure (because I have rambled on a great deal, and if this were tighter and more condensed, it might just leap right out at you), I’ll tell you why I was so amused finding these two reviews. (And, I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t notice at the time. It only dawned on me this evening as I was reading these reviews, and reliving some delightful memories of my job).

According to my reviews, writing long, rambling reviews gets me a 2, on a 1-5 scale (according to the review sheet, a 2 is “below average”). And, according to the reviews, a 3, which equals “average” was my rating for a loud meltdown in which I loudly used the term “fucking witch.” So, seemingly, calling someone a “fucking witch” is not as serious an offense as writing long, rambling emails about hairdos.

Perhaps it has to do with the number of people who were able to laugh at me.

I got a 2 for the email, which only a couple of people saw and read, whereas, the loud, foul-mouthed meltdown was heard by many. So, maybe I got the extra point for providing the entire office with some entertainment for a brief part of an afternoon.

(In case you’re wondering — I really am laughing at the whole thing. I did write long, long, long emails, and I deserved to be called to task for it. And, I did have a meltdown, loudly, and publicly, and, probably deserved a harsher punishment. I was lucky to have worked for that particular company — which no longer exists, except in memories — and, I was exceedingly lucky to have met and worked with some truly wonderful people, several of whom I’m honored to call friends. It was a wild, stressful, wacky ride. I was lucky to have been a part of it all.)

BucketList

The Annual First Day of The Year List Of Things I Resolve To Do But Will Never Do

I used to make New Year’s Resolutions. For about ten years, the first thing on my list was “Quit Smoking.” It wasn’t until a year that I didn’t have it on my list that I finally quit smoking (which, incidentally, will be ten years ago this coming August).

I used to make a list of things I felt I needed to do in order to improve myself. Because, isn’t that part of the human experience, this notion that we’re constantly in need of being improved upon?

Every year I’d make a list, and, every year I’d accomplish very few of the resolutions. “Being neater and more organized” was on my list for at least twenty years, and I’ve made little to no progress in that particular arena. Same for things like “dust more often” and “vacuum more often.” I used to worry about the dusting and vacuuming, until I realized that we’re lucky if we have one visitor a month, so why bother? I mean, we only dust and vacuum because we don’t want others to think we’re slobs, right?

Working out, going to the gym more, getting into better shape has been on my list for more years than I can count. Every year, I feel good about it, but, after the second or third day at the gym, I’m all:

over it

 
 
I used to make a list — sometimes written, sometimes just a mental list — with good intentions to do as many of the things on the list as I could. It seemed that if I could do these things, I’d somehow be a better person.

Then one day it occurred to me, I don’t really care. I am who I am, and you’ll either like me, dusty house and all, or you won’t. I don’t need some list that usually, around June, would start making me feel guilty, because I’d yet to accomplish any of the things on it. So, I stopped with the lists, the resolutions. I’m more impulsive than lists allow — I’ll simply do, or stop doing, something because it just seems to be the time to do, or stop doing something. Besides, I usually lose the list.

This year, though, I thought I’d come up with a list of sorts.

I’ll leave you to decide which things I’m serious about, and which are simply added to make the list longer.

  • Write a blog post every day.
  • Write one scary story each month.
  • Write one poem each month.
  • Vacuum more often.
  • Dust more frequently.
  • Walk more.
  • Take more photos.
  • Comment on at least 10 blog posts each day (instead of only clicking on the like button).
  • Eat less cookies.
  • Smoke more weed. (It is legal here, after all).
  • Eat more fiber.
  • See a therapist.
  • Read a book a week.
  • Keep the surface of my desk clean for longer than one day.
  • Listen to one album every day.
  • Write more.
  • Sleep more during normal sleeping hours.
  • Buy more notebooks to add to my empty notebook collection.
  • Buy more pencils.
  • Shower every day.
  • Try to sound less self-centered.
  • Eat more fruit.
  • Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize.
  • Find a pair of glasses that make me look smart and sexy.
  • Curse more.
  • Try to be less bothered by fact mom watches Fox News.
  • Be more reclusive.
  • Try to like people more.
  • Eat less cheese.
  • After one month of eating less cheese, spend rest of year eating more cheese.
  • Pretend I have some sort of life.
  • Tell Julian more often how much I appreciate all he does to help make my life better.
  • Be more patient.
  • Dream more.

I think that’s a long-enough list of things to ignore, don’t you?

frosty

Thumpity, Thump, Thump

Dear Abby,

Is anyone else bothered by the part of the song “Frosty the Snowman”, where Frosty goes ‘thumpity, thump, thump; thumpity, thump, thump’? Usually when snow goes ‘thump’ it is splitting apart, smashing into pieces. So, if Frosty were thumping, how could he then go over the hills of snow, in one piece, before he melts?? Please advise.

Crazily Contemplating in Colorado.

frosty

Dear Crazy:

It’s a song about a snowman who magically comes to life. You believe he can come to life, but take issue with the fact he can go thump and still remain intact? Get a hobby, and stop overanaylizing pointless crap. Worry about solving world hunger instead.

spam

Poetry from the Spam Filter: Twelve

spam

.

Another entry in my ongoing series of taking the complete, unedited text from an email caught in my WordPress spam filter, and formatting its gibberish into poetry (one email equals one poem — I do not combine them in anyway). Except for formatting the email to look like a poem, I make no changes to text, spelling, content, etc.

Strangely, they seem to make sense when you read them as a poem.  And, as a public service, I offer a reading of the poem as well:

.

cheap
Thanksgiving 2013
jeremy scott
Car on the road,
illnesses Know.
Even the best cars also need maintenance and repair,
like a man who will inevitably get sick,
car trouble is not terrible,
the key is these problems would endanger human life and property.
With such a car service, we can in the music in which way I’m comfortable assured drove…

black friday
2013
jeremy scott
I was the Northeast, in 1995,
when I am 24 years old,
just graduated from a university
Coal Ministry medical professionals,
was assigned to Xuzhou, a state-owned enterprise to work.
Worked for two years,
arrived at 1997, March,
when militia units trained in militia training,
I met my wife later
decades have passed since the adoption Yan,
but Yan first met mining case
So far in my mind is still so vivid.
Perhaps it is fate,
and I adopt Yin in training
was assigned to a class,
her hair fluttering, beautiful eyes shining Smart light,
first saw her in the Verge,
I almost thought it was to see the college sweetheart They really like..

Thanksgiving 2013
sunglassess Into the wee hours,
she told me she liked me,
but has been when I was a younger brother.
Then, pulling luggage went away,
leaving me still confused heartache,
I spent a lot of talent sorting out a clue.
Impression, seem to remember my colleagues said that Donna had a middle-aged man to divorce..

black friday 2013
sunglasses discount
Into the cultural community, is entirely accidental,
when China needs to build a simulated coal mine museum,
they found a famous museum scientist fee Hutchinson help planning.
Charges Hutchinson advocate using real people in the museum and other auxiliary display forms,
in order to increase ornamental and interesting museums,
he put an analog simulation miners who mine production opportunities available to me
and suggested that I be super-realist sculpture.
This year, I am 54 years old,
although life has been close to dusk,
but the super- interest in realism,
the museum displays arts yearning,
that I can not be closed..