A Bit of the Funny

tumblr_lr0bk9uyta1qaj5jro1_500

tumblr_lr0bk9uyta1qaj5jro2_500

Celebrity Dreams

person_sleepingI am not a celebrity watcher. I don’t watch a lot of television. I don’t watch many movies. I do listen to a lot of music, though I don’t really read much about the artists. My philosophy has always been more about enjoying the art/performance rather than obsessing about the artist/performer.

When I was growing up, in the 1970s and 1980s, the only celebrity watching I did was watching Johnny Carson every night. I rarely missed an episode. During that time I was introduced to the latest and greatest celebrities. Once Carson signed off, my late night talk show viewing dropped off. I watched Dave now and then (I like his droll humor). I saw Conan a time or two. Mostly, I lost interest.

These days I get my dose of culture from either the internet or the Supermarket Tabloids. I don’t read many articles, but I see the entertainment headlines on the various news websites I visit, or see the blaring headlines while waiting to pay for my groceries. When I watched Carson, I knew who everyone was. Now, I see names and I don’t even know who they are. (For example, I was mindlessly flipping through a Best Dressed at the Golden Globes slideshow last night and was lucky if I knew half of them.) I’m just not that interested in the cult of celebrity (disclaimer: I do adore Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hiddleston and I can’t pass by a shirtless photo of Chris Hemsworth without stopping for a moment or two. Also — I know a bit more about celebs of The UK than of The US — if pressed, I could rattle off a list of all the Dames: Judi, Maggie, Joan, Kiri, to name but a few.)

Mostly, I just don’t care enough. I know who the Kardashians are because one cannot escape their fake plastic faces glaring from seemingly every magazine in the checkout aisle, though I know very little of their personal details.

I mention this because while consciously I may not be interested in celebrities, my dreams seems to be filled with them. This is a relatively recent development — happening sometime after I turned thirty. I may not watch them on TV, but they like to pop in and out of my dreams.

I continuously run into Barbra Streisand. We’re on a first name basis. I’ve been to her house several times. We wave when we pass each other at the mall. We’ve enjoyed many meals and laughs.

I dreamed I was on tour with Sonny and Cher –they had reunited because they both needed some extra cash, and I was along as manager/background singer. We played private gigs. I’ve had various dreams of various gigs, one which ended rather quickly when it turned out the private gig was supposed to involve Sonny, Cher and I having sex with our hosts. We quickly ran away, leaving the guitars and microphones behind. In the dash to escape the sex-crazed couple who had hired us to “perform”, I was separated from Sonny and Cher, but, thankfully, as I crested a hill, there, on the beach below, were Jane Fonda and Meryl Streep. I ran down the hill to greet them, and arrived just in time to help them bury a body in the sand.

I have had many existential conversations with Darth Vader at the food court in the mall.

For a time, I kept getting invited to dinner with Queen Elizabeth (II not I), though I think the last time I used some inappropriate language, and have not been invited back.

In real life I do not ski, even though I live in Colorado, home of some of the best ski slopes in the world. In my dreams, however, I have skied with: Robert Downey Jr., Joan Rivers — who skis better than anyone!–, Roseanne, Kathleen Turner, Weird Al, Dolly Parton ( the jokes she told over drinks in the ski lodge after!), Sean Connery (and, yes, we were being chased by some evil mastermind), and Tina Fey. There have been others, I think … but I don’t remember all my dreams.

I was in a highspeed car chase with Hugh Jackman. We escaped the pursuers, had a car crash, he was injured. Somehow there was kissing involved.

I have been on several rescues with the cast of Criminal Minds, one of the few shows I watch. I accidentally knocked Matthew Gray Gubler out with a two-by-four (thankfully, the criminal had kicked the gun out of my hand earlier in the chase, otherwise poor Gubler might have been shot, jumping out at me like that — one shouldn’t jump out and yell “Boo!” when one is chasing a serial killer. He should know better.)

I was at a rather strange hot tub party with Jude Law. There were about a dozen hot tubs: full of people, all clothed.

The other night, Angelia Jolie kept popping in and out of a dream — there was some sort of gathering at a big table, and she’d be there one moment, then gone the next; then she’d be back, sitting in a new spot. I guess she had lots of other dreams to visit that night as well.

There have been more, though as I said, I don’t remember all my dreams. Most of my dreams do not contain celebrities.

I keep telling myself to put a little notebook by the bed, to jot down my dreams. I do have quite intense, vivid dreams. I’m sure I could come up with some sort of all-star It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World sort of story if I put all the celebrity dreams together.

Now that I think of it, perhaps I should put that notebook by my bed and come up with a screenplay. I’m going to have a bunch of student loans to start paying off next year.

Thought For The Day

B6d6EFuCAAMIUqk.jpg-large

(sorry … not sure who to credit this too)

Downton Abbey Christmas Special (Text Santa Special)

Read more about this video here.

Thought For The Day

ByLyBNtIQAAVx9A

Self Checkout

tumblr_nfe0d1i9yQ1tlhvzvo1_500

Random Thoughts re: Dictionaries

Dictionaries are always of interest because you learn so many things. For those who don’t regularly read dictionaries, you might be unaware of the fact that dictionaries can often be a source of amusement.

The pages in dictionaries have two words at the top of each page to let you know where you are alphabetically, telling you the first and last word on the page. Consider the following interesting groupings:

  • jocular/Jonson (sounds like a happy penis)
  • muumuu/mystify (muumuus are often quite a mystery
  • odious/office (self-explanatory)
  • satiate/savings and loan association (just an interesting coupling of words)
  • hump/hurt (means it’s not being done right)
  • hilarious/hippie
  • Frankfurt/freedom (which would have been more interesting if the wall were still standing)
  • filmmaking/fingering (sounds like some sort of lesbian film)

Also consider that Lena Horne, Toni Morrison, Malcom X, Aaron Burr, Michael Jordan are mentioned in the dictionary, as is Sennacherib (who died in 681 BC and was the King of Assyria), yet the only Madonna in the dictionary is the Virgin Mary.

Also, the page with Burr/bust is rather amusing. The second column starts with pictures of both Presidents Bush, GHWB and GWB, and because of spacing, the entries for both are at the bottom of the first column, their pictures are at the top of the second column, and right under the pictures are the entries for the following words: bushel, bushing, bush-league, Bushman, bushmaster, and bushwhack. Amusing in itself, but even funnier if you give new definitions to the words:

  • Bushel: a collection of Bush presidents
  • Bushing: sexual slang, see also bush-diving and bush-munching
  • bush-league: The vast right wing conspiracy bent on overthrowing the Clinton legacy
  • Bushman: What Barbara calls her husband
  • Bushmaster: What Laura calls her husband
  • Bushwhack: what the bushel and the bush-league have done to the country.

Amusing? Perhaps. Then again, could just be I have too much free time.

(From the American Heritage paperback, 4E.)

do_not_flush_while_seated_on_toilet-360x307

Quoth The Raven: Garrison Keillor

An old favorite…

Garrison Keillor has a great take on the airline toilets. He notes:

It is rather haunting, the notice above the Flush button in the toilet on the airliner, “Do Not Flush While Seated on Toilet.” One imagines the engineers of the toilet running tests with flush dummies with big flat butts and the suction ripping the stuffing right out of them, and the engineers thinking, “Oh criminy, you mean we wasted three years on this sucker?” So lawyers were brought in to write the warning, which had to be short enough to be printed in large type so that geezers would see it, who are the ones most likely to flush while seated.

So they limited themselves to those seven words and eliminated “Flushing While Seated May Suck Your Colon Out Of You And Cut You A New Orifice While Changing Your Gender In Ways You Don’t Even Want To Think About.”

It’s That Time Of Year

unnamed

Responsibility

unnamed-3

 

(via Poorly Drawn Lines)

WEIRD AL MANDATORY FUN cover_0

“Word Crimes” by Weird Al Yankovic

Weird Al is back …. and, I’m so glad he is!

I’m all for grammar songs.

I Have No Idea Why I Find This So Very Funny

tumblr_mmc1pm3oAd1so58mbo1_500

Thought For The Day

10440868_10152228440466872_4263648834650398362_n

 

(via Mrs. Betty Bowers)

Poetry From The Spam Filter: Thirteen

spam

Another entry in my ongoing series of taking the complete, unedited text from an email caught in my WordPress spam filter, and formatting its gibberish into poetry (one email equals one poem — I do not combine them in anyway). Except for formatting the email to look like a poem, I make no changes to text, spelling, content, etc.

Strangely, they seem to make sense when you read them as a poem.  And, as a public service, I offer a reading of the poem as well:

 

Thirteen

Digital marketing was marketing,
you’d never dream of
are found primarily in stocks.

Bear in mind, rather than oils,
avocadoes and tomatoes that are
taking place.
Undigested food rots
inside the bean is a healthy food toxicity.
Processing removes healthy food essential nutrients.
It s Thursday afternoon, they said;
prevention is better then!
All that downtime takes a lot of people
have an amazing ability to help your child eats
all of us do not eat
adequate amounts of foods they eat.

Thought For The Day

tumblr_n6t9e81Rok1rjgdu6o1_1280

 

This is actually a huge pet peeve of mine. Why do people think they can merge onto the highway going 30 m.p.h.?

Things That Make Me Laugh #19: I Am Very Proud of What I Am….

tumblr_n3leuuViO31qe3cxyo2_250

I watch the movie just for this scene ….

 

coco.jpg.728x520_q85

Things That Make Me Laugh #18

After the serious thoughts of the previous post, I thought some laughter was in order. And, the fabulous Miss Coco Peru always, always makes me laugh. In fact, watching Miss Coco play Grand Theft Auto 5 made me laugh until I had tears in my eyes.

Hopefully she’ll work her magic on you and give you a few minutes of laughter.

Thought For The Day

milk discovery

Thought For The Day

tumblr_n2wugsbWsD1qewacoo1_500

Thought For The Day

thewarehouse_comic_530

Thought For The Day

400654_874613902568064_866090758_n